Basic Romance for Dummies
by Propheaker
Summary: His Navigator was angry at Luffy and totally don't have a clue why, so he decided to ask Nico Robin for an advice tho instead he got a book. So, would the book help him solve his problem with Nami? or would it only cause even more and new ones? LuNa
1. Prelude: The Naked Truth

**Basic romance for dummies.** [Revised 2011 Edition]

"The only sole guidebook for _single_ and desperate pirates within the grandline."

Disclaimer: I don't own it.

Prelude: The naked truth.

* * *

A raven haired straw-hat boy sat cross-legged atop the lion's head of the Sunny Go with an unreadable expression written allover his face. Luffy blankly stared at the vast ocean waving freely across of him and with a sigh, he'd reflected on today's events that unfolded earlier concerning his dear sweet navigator.

—Flashback—

The day on our favorite Mugiwara pirates were eerily quiet and tranquil, neither senseless bickering nor any loud snoring from a certain moss-haired bushido can be heard within the ship.

Well, who could blame them?

With the sun scorching high above the skies (practically burning their skin) and there's no gush of wind which is needed in order to propel the ship, who wouldn't lose their energy and be damn bored?

So in order to waste their precious sailing time, every strawhat member's have done the exact thing that most sane humans do whenever they come across such dilemma,

Sleep the day away.

Hell, what can you do if you're stranded particularly at nowhere with temperature burning up to a steaming forty degrees Celsius, twirl around like a hopeless fairy and go'all jumpy and frivolous just to waste your precious energy? Man that's suicidal, besides who could resist having a nice soothing siesta in such a kind of arid temperatur—

"WHAAAA, SANJI I'M HUNGRY!"

Opps, my bad, spoke too soon…

Of course their happy-go-lucky captain would defy all normalcy and resist the urge of sleeping. Jeez, how could I forget? Let's see, He's not normal, (physically and mentally that is) he's made of rubber, (that is also absorbent of heat, mind you) have a enormous stamina & will power stored within, (In which I believe that he got from being gluttonous) and finally he's the only person dumb enough to go out into the deck in spite of the blistering weather.

Tho, enough of his downsides, that guy has some good points as well, right? Right? Name them? okay, here's one!

He's strong ummm, kind, and uhhh, protective of his nakama and…glutton?….uhhh, yep definitely! strong, kind and gluttonous hunk of rubber!

….

..

.

Ehem okay, maybe the guy had more cons than pros but hey, at least he's not your average '_run of the mill I'm gonna ransack your village and kill y'all!'_ kind of pirate.

Well, enough of those good and bad point jabbering, let's go back to our situation earlier. The gang are sleeping soundly at their respective quarters when all of a sudden,

BAM!

The door's been forced opened by our beloved straw-hat captain, partially demanding a food to devour, yes, 'de-vo-ur.'

It would be an understatement if I use the word 'eat' to his eating habits isn't it?

Well anyway, Luffy's stomping at the deck ready to devour anything in sight when an orange haired navigator suddenly appeared out of nowhere and gradually stomped towards their starving insensitive captain.

Oh boy,

"Ne Luffy…" Nami calmly started before going all' full throttle and smacked the living hell out of the poor nub.

"WHAT ARE YOU WHINING FOR! FOR CHRIST SAKE CAN"T YOU SEE WERE ALL SLEEPING!" She shouted while punching the head of the raven-haired captain. Luckily, for her, everyone was immune (or probably ignorant) to their 'bonding moment' so they'd just slipped it away.

This verbal bashing from Nami really comes as no great surprise for each of them. It pretty much became a daily routine for the crew, Luffy will sprout something pointless (most likely about food or weird stuff) then Nami would give him the bashing of his lifetime, and then hours later everything was forgotten and back to their usual behavior.

However surprisingly this time, it looks like something unexpected is going to happen.

"Ouuch Nami, what was that for!" Luffy groaned, a pained expression was on his face while rubbing the back of his head. Her punch was ten times more stronger this time surprisingly.

"That's for waking me and everyone up!"

"But I'm hungry so it's only natural for me to look for food!" He reasoned, picking himself off the ground and gave himself a quick pat down.

"I don't mind if you're looking for food. I wouldn't even care less if you devour the whole ship whole, but for the 13th time this week Luffy, why do you have to friggin SHOUT!" Their tangerine haired navigator swore, putting her slender hands on her hips.

"I didn't shout!"

"YOU DID JUST NOW!"

"THAT'S BECAUSE YOUR SHOUTING!"

"IM SHOUTING SINCE YOUR SHOUTING AT ME!" Retorted by the fuming orange head. She knew better than to wage shouting war with her captain especially with this heat so she tired to change the subject. "And besides, does eating food and being the damn pirate king are the ones u can only think of!" She asked, her fuming demeanor was now replaced by a wistful and…sad? expression.

The dark-haired pirate thought about this carefully, placing a finger on his chin and after a moment of thinking, He showed a grin that could practically rip off his face. "I also like the sea."

Nami instantly face-palmed herself.

"You like the…sea." The dumbfounded navigator muttered blankly. And here she thought he can't get anymore dumber, I guess every person are bound to be mistaken once in their life.

"Well how about," Nami started, calming down a lil. She need to talk some sense to this dumb captain of her's.

she wanted to know if there's even a hint of normalcy deep within that empty brain of his so she tried a different approach.

"How about girls then Luffy, do you like them?"

Aha of course! Any normal person is bound to like the opposite gender right? Hopefully it would be the same case towards the elastic boy.

Their naive captain blinked twice. "Sure I do, I like you…" he innocently replied with a million-dollar grin curled up on his face, making his navigator be caught off guard as she stumbled a couple of step backwards.

'_Luffy likes her?-HER of all people!' _Nami thought. Well when she think about it, its not that surprising at all since practically half of his life, he have spend it with her. On every voyage or ventures that he partake in she was there at his side, supporting him. Well there was also Robin but she was sure his captain can't have romantic feeling for her nee-chan since their polar opposite of each other.

'S-_So Luffy likes me eh?' _The orange-haired pirate was about to felt an unknown pleasant sensation within her heart when Luffy suddenly added dumbly,

"I also like Robin, Hancock, Vivi and every girl's that we have met on our Journey!"

…

As expected of the notorious Monkey D. Luffy, his talent of saying the worse words on the worst ever situations seemed to gained an all time high at this moment.

Too add more to the annoyance of our poor orange head cartographer Luffy also added, "I also like those gender bending gay's that I have met back in the prison!" while laughing innocently as if he didn't notice apocalypse was about to break loose.

"You..also…like—WHAT!" Nami yelled, stunned for a couple of seconds before awakening back to reality. So much for normalcy concerning the soon to be pirate king I guess.

"Shishishi, you're all my friends, so of course i like them." Luffy innocently clarified. "You're one of my important friends Nami that's why i like you."

Apparently that blatant proclamation of Luffy has caused Nami a sudden ache in her heart even tho she didn't know why it did. For all what's worth she just wanted to cry all of a sudden for no reason.

Nami heavily sighed. "Oh, is that so…friends huh?" she dismally replied..

"Are you okay Nami?" Luffy worryingly tapped her shoulders but to his surprise, Nami lightly whacked his hands off her shoulders with eyes flaring dangerously. "Forget it, don't you ever talk to me y-you…HOPELESS INSENSITIVE GAY LOVING MORON!" She shouted before barging back to her room.

Did he said something wrong? He was just saying the truth, that's what the poor dense captain really thought as he stood up and walk towards where his navigator stormed.

"N-Nani, what wrong Nami? Did I do something wrong just now?" He cautiously asked while knocking the door of the women's quarter. Heh, he just don't know when to quit eh?

"Leave me alone!" He heard his navigator shout from the opposite side of the door. "Don't ever talk to me again."

Ouch, now that's definitely going to hurt even if he's heart is made of rubber, now our dear captain was in deeper shit rather than before, Nami never once said that in their normal arguments, so it was certainly a first for our poor clueless rubber boy. He felt his strength draining away from his body and well as his senses going numb. this unpleasant feeling within him, he felt the same sensation before. It was akin to back when he failed to save his brother—it was quite the same tho not quite at the same time.

Oh the poor guy, and he never even know why his navigator was angry at him! I wish I could help you but I'm only just a mere narrator of this story, the third person who explains what happening in the plot… Oh well, Innocence can sometimes be a bad thing i suppose.

Just hang in there tough guy…

-End of Flashback-

Monkey D. Luffy heavily sighed for the ninth time on that afternoon. Nami wasn't still intent of not going out of her room—_Probably because of me… _He dejectedly thought. The rest of the crew tried to lighten up his mood. Chopper performed his chopsticks to the nose trick while spinning dishes while Ussop dances polka, (which makes their captain feel a hell lot more miserable since Ussop was wearing one of nami's skirt while dancing) Zoro slept beside him, (which I don't know what the point is) and heck, Sanji even lowered himself to cook a special drumstick a'la king just for him.

However, to their great surprise, Luffy just ignore it (Which made Sanji petrified as if he'd seen Boa Hancock ) and after just stared blankly at the vast ocean at front, puffing his smoke.

Now there's certainly wrong with our favorite rubber-clad idiot. Oh god at this rate, the population rate of cattle's and chickens will surely increase if his behavior stayed like that.

He didn't know what irked Nami but sitting and waiting for kingdom come to arrive would sure bring him nothing so he thought to ask for an advice to a person whom is knowledgeable in this kind of matter. Tho, who to ask?

_Chopper? I think chopper couldn't help me on this one… _Luffy thought, rubbing the apex of his hat.

_Zoro? Never! I don't wanna perform seppuku!' _His expression suddenly turned into dread at the thought of slicing his own stomach.

_Sanji? And listen all day to his endless lectures on how to properly treat a lady? No way man! _The raven-haired captain sneered.

_Franky?_ Luffy remembered Franky told him he was doing some maintenance to the ship and cant be bothered .

_Brook? He'll probably just gonna tell me that everything would be alright and sing me a song and make some skull jokes _

_Ussop? I'm not that desperate… _Luffy instantly dropped the idea.

_So I guess that leaves Robin as my only hope… _Luffy thought in approval and decided to pay a little visit on the archeologist's. She's probably on the library or the aquarium he thought as he leave the headpiece of sunny, _._

"My my Captain-san, what brings you here?" Robin casually asked with her serene/eerie/enigmatic smile.

"Etto Nami is kinda angry at me and I don't know why." plainly respond by the clueless captain cocking his head to the side. "can u help me Robin?:

"Hmm, so you want to know why she's angry at you is that it?" Robin concluded knowingly, standing up from where she was. She also had seen the events that unfold between the two earlier and she had a vague guess on why Nami suddenly bolted that way.

"Let's see..." She stood up then grabbed a thick book from her filing cabinet. "Perhaps you can use this, it may help more than you think it would." She handed the thick looking book that makes him felt uneasy since its quite thick.

"Are you sure that I'm not gonna die reading this Robin?"

She chuckled at his childish remark. "What makes you think that you'll gonna die by just reading a book Luffy?"

He looked skeptically down at the item then frowned, "Coz it sure looks scary…" Luffy inspected the book with a discouraged expression written all over his face. He was never a fan of reading books after all.

"Are you sure it will gonna help me with my problem with Nami?"

"It depends on your perseverance to read." Robin replied taking a sip from her tea. "You may feel nauseous at first but you'll eventually get used to reading…perhaps."

Luffy dryly gulped. "W-Well then, I'm gonna give this a shot."

"I hope it would solve your problem." Robin commented. "And also, be sure to ask Chopper-san for painkillers, you might need it in due time." She added as an afterthought in which Luffy nodded in agreement.

-After a couple of minutes-

"RO-RO-ROBIN! W-WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!" Luffy yelled with a flushed look beaming on his face. He only exited the archeologist room for a couple of minutes but he's already running back to her quarters.

"What's the problem Captain-san?"

"T-T-THIS BOOK! I-IT'S SICK!" The Mugiwara Captain blurted out, throwing down the book at the floor. "IT GOT SOME..INJECTING, MOANING AND PLEASURES OF THE FLESH STUFFS WRITTEN ALL OVER IT!"

The raven-haired archeologist only managed a "Ara?" in response as she raised an eyebrow. She picked up the book on the floor and checked it contents.

"…Kamma Sutra manuscript."

"that's got to be the devils book! Its evil!"

Giving her companion a apologetic look the Onxy-haird lady replied, "Oh my sincere apologies I seemed to have handed you the wrong book. I have been awake for two days now and I guess it affected my vision."

"D-Do adults really d-do that stuffs when they umm, you know…" Luffy replied timidly, lowering his head to hide the embarrassment on his face.

"Feeling the urge of physical contact?" She finished his statement bluntly, grabbing the real book that he needed. "It's pretty normal for humans to perform sex. Even at the animal kingdom, they carry out sex such acts of pleasures to further out their genes on the new generations." Robin informed in a 'matter of fact' tone of voice. "Of course you got to have sex with someone eventually Luffy."

_Sex?_ Luffy stupidly blinked, for all he could understand Robin was saying a lot of complicated nonsense that he didn't understand..

"Nani nani, what is sex Robin?" he innocently asked, oblivious to the trauma that it may bring when he finally know the meaning of such word and I'm not talking about the synonym of gender if you know what I mean.

"Can it be eaten? Is it tasty?"

The dumbfounded Robin fights the urge to sigh. Even for a person like herself that had complete control over her emotions, it took her a couple of seconds to react. "I-It's a synonym for gender but it also have some different meanings…"

"Different…meanings?"

"I'm afraid that you might not grasp the full understanding of it when I explain it to you so I highly suggest that you should ask Cook-san or Mr. Swordsman for a more—simpler explanation." She replied, handling him the right book now.

"Ahhh, okay then so I'll just ask Zoro or Sanji for explanation about this mystery _sex stuffs _eh" Luffy said with million-dollar grin plastered on his face. "Are you sure this is the right book now?"

"Yeah, Positively."

Luffy saluted, gradually walking towards the door. "Shishishi, then I'll borrow this book for awhile then Robin!"

After her dear captain leave her bedroom, Robin sat himself on her chair while sipping a tea, sighing heavily.

"I sure hope you're ready to know the naked truth tho." Robin chuckled. "It might sting a bit."

To be Continued…


	2. What is Sex?

**Basic romance for dummies. **[2011 Revision]

"The only guidebook for single and desperate pirates."

Foreword: What is sex?

* * *

Luffy idly walked to the deck of Sunny with an intent to find his very first crewmate. Knowing the moss-haired swordsman, he was probably either training with his weights on the crownest or sleeping soundly somewhere on the ship.

Aha, it seemed his latter guess was right since the elastic boy recognized a familiar sleeping figure on the deck.

Finally, he would have an answer to the question that keeps nagging his feeble brain for the entire day. (Well, aside from Nami's odd behavior of course.)

"Shishishi Zoro, hey, Zoro wake up!" The dark haired pirate said, shaking the sleeping guy rudely.

Opening one eye towards the annoying voice, the bushido hazily said, "Ughhhh, is it dinner already?" while adjusting from his sleeping position.

"Well no but I wish it is, anyway I have a question to ask you Zoro." Their naïve captain suddenly asked in all seriousness.

"What is it?" Zero retorted with a yawn. His idiot captain better have a good reason to wake him or else he might slash that grinning head of his. he didn't like to be waken especially in his afternoon naps even if its his captain that woke him.

"Spill it out fast so that I can get back to sleep already."

"Zoro, what is _sex_?"

"Huh?

"I saiiid what is seeeex!"

Zoro stared at him blankly…really really blankly-with his eyes ogling out of their sockets. "What. Did. You. Say. Again?"

Luffy blinked twice, surely he said the question loud enough for the green moss to hear '_probably because he's still sleepy.'_ Luffy concluded as an afterthought. He moved closer his mouth into Zoro's ear and shouted,

"I SAID WHAT IS SEEEEEE–"

"SHUT IT!, you don't need to scream Jeez!" Zoro instantly interrupted, blocking Luffy's mouth whist fully awake now. "You would give everyone a heart attack if they heard you asking about sex, what gotten into you anyway getting interested on those kinky stuffs and all?"

"Well, Robin said to ask you or someone else about sex since I might not understand her explanation."

Zoro nodded as an understanding. "Oh is that so, well she got a point. " He said before crossing his arms and shutting his eyes, he seems so concentrated on what he's thinking at the moment. Like buddha reaching nirvana.

After minutes of silence, his answer to Luffy's question was,

"Sex is being one with pain."

The dumbfounded captain blinked. "P-Pain you say?"

"Yeah, a royal pain in the ass." Zoro explained, narrowed his eyes in a deadly manner, then putting hand on his captains shoulder.

"You can be in a hell lot of trouble if you attempt to do such thing Luffy."

Luffy twitched his brows confusedly, rubbing the back of his head. "So you're saying that if I do this sex thing then I will feel pain?"

"Yeah, you will have to be prepared for the consequences for you're risking your life just by trying it." He casually replied. "It's like a heated battle where you have to constantly struggle for dominance."

'_Do-me-what?' _now that's a hard word Zoro used just now Luffy thought. "So i will go into battle if i do this sex thing eh?"

"_Uhh, _Sorta..." Replied by Zoro, closing his eyes with a crossed arms. "E-Even I myself is scared to do such a thing like sex." he added rather embarrassingly.

Wow, even the swordsman of the crew whom is addicted to battles and bloodbath are afraid to do such thing. This sex must be a life threatening matter. Luffy shivered, he is more confused now than ever! He's thinking that its some kind of a bloody battle in which you will have to risk everything. Hell, he didn't even know the meaning of the word, Do-me-dance Zoro used earlier! Oh the poor guy, he's simple brain couldn't handle all these sudden information.

I hope it won't overload until I finished narrating this chapter. Hang in there, Luffy-san!

So due to the _Sex is Pain_ crap that Zoro teach him earlier, Luffy is more confused than ever about this matter called sex . He cant believe he have to do this kind of thing in the future. He decided to consult another guy and preferably the perfect person to ask such matter, their resident womanizer/chef, Sanji of course!

Okay, maybe he's not the perfect guy to ask for such a delicate subject, Hell Sanji could probably traumatized the poor guy more than how Zoro did, but at lest he could educate him properly…assumingly.

Luffy carefully entered the kitchen only to be suddenly kicked by the head cook.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE LUFFY! DINNER IS STILL NOT FINISHED SO STAY OUT!" Sanji yelled, while holding a pan. He was busy preparing their dinner when he heard a sudden noises from the back. He knew it instantly since there's only one person who dared enough to bug him always whenever his cooking.

"Shitty rubber, dinner's still in two hours from now, go piss off somewhere and bug the other shitheads"

"N-No you've got it all wrong Sanji. I'm here to ask you a question." Luffy defended, massaging the huge lump on his head. "I came here to ask you what sex is…"

The blond haired cook dropped his cigarette and the pan he his holding now dropped to his foot. "Ow—shit" after being stunned for a couple of seconds and cleaning the food that fell on the floor, Sanji looked at Luffy, lighting another cigarette. "What did you say again?"

"Sanji do you know what sex is?"

"...the what?"

Luffy heavily sighed. "Jeez, what's gotten into all of you this day, didn't you all clean your ears this morning?" he snorted, breathing in air in preparation to shout, "I SAIID WHAT IS SEEEEEEEEEEE—"

"Shit pipe it down will ya!" Sanji muttered, doing the same thing Zoro had done earlier. "So what's gotten into you asking about sex all of a sudden?"

So once again, Luffy explained the reason why he was in such a dilemma, Sanji listened to his explanation still ain't believing his captain finally got interested in the topic of the flesh.

Heh, who would've guess,

"So lemme get this straight, Robin-chwan ordered you to ask me to explain the meaning of sex huh?" He clarified breathing out a puff of smoke from his mouth before bursting out into a hysterical cries and twirling around like a madman.

"I knew that you highly think of me Rooobin-chwaaan! I'm honored to be chosen by you to educate this shitty bird-brain about the true meaning of life!" He muttered dramatically,hearts dangling out of his eyes.

"Okay listen well Luffy, I'm gonna explain to you the basic reason why we humans are living on this world…" Sanji said in a professional manner, combing his hair rhythmically. "Sex is like…being in heaven."

Luffy narrowed his eyes. "Heaven?"

"Yes that's correct, sex is the ultimate pleasure that are given by the gods to us humans so that we could feel a small portion of absolute ecstasy here on this dreaded land.."

"Huh?"

Sigh, he forgotten its Luffy he's talking to. He wouldn't understand a damn thing you'll say if you use words over five letters in your sentence. "To put it simply, when you perform sex, it's like your going into heaven."

"So like since im going to heaven," Luffy started, a cold chill running down his spine. "D-does that mean i'm gonna die if I do this s-sex thing?"

"Absolutely!" Sanji cleared, putting hand on Luffy's shoulders. "You will die because of pure happiness."

What the hell? first he will have to go to a battle and now he's bound to die! Gah, this sex is really dangerous than he initally thought.

"W-Will i survive even tho I did it Sanji?"

The blonde only could puff a smoke in return. Luffy's reaction didn't surprised him at all, he was just like that when he learned about the true nature of sex.

The uncontrollable shivering of your body,

The sweat-filled face, with an indescribable features ,

Ahh~ sweet nostalgia!

he was just like that when he first heard of sex as well.

"I understand how you feel Luffy." Cooly stated by the strawhat cook. "That's just how I am back too when I first learned of it..."

"R-Really? Then you were sca—"

'"I was so excited back then too that I cant help but shivering in excitement like you and it made my whole body burn in ecstasy as well_"_ Sanji muttered cutting what Luffy had to say as he reminisce the time when Zeff told him about this adult stuffs.

"It's futile to resist" Started by Sanji with a closed eye. He was combing his hair in an exaggerated fashion and with a thumbs up, he suavely proclaimed,

"It's just the way of life!"

…

…

From outside of the kitchen, an unnatural loud cries can be heard from a certain rubber pirate as he ran away in fright.

To be continued.

* * *

A/N: Poor Luffy, he didn't know what he was saying. More of this sex stufs on the next chapter so stay tuned,


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